Have you ever seen The Princess Bride? You might be amazed (shocked? Mortified?) to hear how many clients respond “no” to that question. It’s one of my all-time favorite movies. The perfect combination of adventure, romance, and comedy. I don’t know if there’s another movie that has me both belly-laughing and crying in a span of mere moments.
There’s a great scene in the movie that kind of perfectly sums up how people should deal with grief. Westley and Buttercup are walking through the forest where all kinds of dangers are lurking around every tree trunk. Suddenly, Buttercup is completely swallowed up by quicksand. Without thinking twice, Westley grabs hold of a tree vine and swan-dives into the quicksand after her.
Look at that determination and bravery. Like I said, perfect combination of adventure and romance.
Imagine for a moment that the quicksand is grief. How many of us can say that our friends and family have dealt with our grief with this kind of fortitude? In reality, a very different image comes to mind. In the midst of our loss, sinking in the quicksand of grief, our friends and family stand safely outside the reach of the quicksand, careful not to get dirty themselves. It makes sense, really. How can they help you if they are sinking themselves? If they are careful not to that that sad on them, they’re more able and available to support you, right? It will help them “stand strong” and not show their own emotions to you, because someone grieving doesn’t need to see more sadness, right?
Wrong. The problem with grief is, it’s lonely. Grief is a totally natural process. It’s the result of having lost something or someone important to us. We can grieve nearly anything. There is nothing wrong with grief. There is nothing wrong with grieving a pet, a lost opportunity, a distant friend or acquaintance, a divorce, or anything else. Grief means it mattered. There is no counseling process to my knowledge that will ease grief outside of companionship. Relationship. That’s the cure to grief. So when our friends and family stand outside that quicksand, they keep us at least an arm’s length away from their comfort.
Grief is messy. Standing outside that quicksand may make you feel better, but it isn’t actually going to help. Shouting from a distance about this friend you know who went through something similar or that essential oil that helps with depression isn’t as helpful as your silent presence.
I’m a kid of the 90s. Nearly every movie I watched featured either quicksand or ninjas. Candidly, they both feature in my adult life with a lot less frequency than I imagined at 7 years old. I haven’t face either thus far and I’m not super disappointed about it. But as a 90s kid, I’m pretty well versed in the concept of quicksand and there’s one point that is most important – never fight back against the quicksand. Once it has its hold on you, the best thing you can do is relax and not fight it. Eventually it lets you go. The same is true of grief. You can’t find a different route through the pain. You just kind of have to lean into it until it lets you go. Sit in the sadness when you’re feeling sad and enjoy the happiness when it comes. Put on your rainboots and look around, don’t pitch a tent.
So what’s the gift of grief? Well, it’s actually two-fold. One is the knowledge that something mattered enough in your life to be worthy of grieving. That alone is a pretty phenomenal gift. Think about it. Something in your life was substantial enough to warrant a season of grieving the loss of it. The second is that when the people in your life see you grieving, make note of the Westleys in the bunch. Who stood unafraid of your sadness and stayed by your side? Who took the risk and made the swan dive into the quicksand so you wouldn’t be alone?
While 2023 for most of us is still looking fresh and clean and full of promise, there are most certainly people in our lives who are walking out the hard task of waiting for the quicksand to let them go. If that’s you, please hear that you aren’t alone. Reach out for help. If you don’t have any Westleys in your life, it may be time to look for a counselor. If you aren’t in the middle of grief, maybe look to be a Westley to someone else right now.